It seems that the older that I get, the more things change for me. I have never been one to accept change easily. Although eventually I come around. When I was a kid, we had enough family around that we had loud festive holidays. Then as a teen, my father died, and as a young mother my mother died. A couple of years later my brother and his family moved several states away, then my husbands parents and sister and family moved several states away in the other direction. That move made Christmas hard at least for me. But at least I had my kids and my husband so we made our own traditions. But I got too comfortable in those traditions, because my kids grew up. One is in the military, and this is her second Christmas in a row away from home. She has missed 5 all together in the past 8 years or so. Now there are jobs that interfere. In laws to share with.
My oldest was the last to leave the nest. Although he has lived on his own for a couple of years, I could always count on him to be here on weekends and holidays especially if I told him I'd cook. ;)
But now he is also married, so this is another holiday I am having to learn to adapt.
Maybe if they all knew how desperate I was sometimes to get a little bit of what I've lost back, they wouldn't roll their eyes when I verbally wish for grandchildren. But these days, having a grand child is no guarantee that their parents won't decide to take them half the country away chasing careers. I truthfully don't think I could stand to have to adapt to that loss so maybe it is better that there aren't any.
Oh well.. Christmas. Bah Humbug.
Tomorrow will be better. I will get to spend it with my kids and their spouses. And I will hug and kiss them and think about the times when I was all they had.